I just read Shelley's blog about some ppl that she knew that had cancer and died and it just made me so very sad. B/c I had a very close experience with cancer as most of you know my best friend Janessa Nicole Smith died September 13th 2005 of a very rare form of leukemia. It was the same type Win Rockerfeller died of. Win lived around 10 months or so thanks to a bone marrow transplant that his money bought up in Seattle. I am not bitter at all about that b/c I wanted him to live so bad b/c Janessa tried so dang hard to live those three very short months after she was diagnosed with the leukemia. She was diagnosed on June 20th and her aunt Fran and myself were there w/ her when we got the news exactly what it was. I think I was in shock more than Janessa was b/c she was strong and brave. After that day I spent almost every single w/e w/ her and a few days during the week at UAMS on the cancer floor. I was there at all of her pivotal moments I was there when she got her first round of chemo, I was there when the hair and eyebrows started falling out, I was there when her cousin, Tonia shaved her head bald, I was there for the vena cava port that they had to replace on the other side b/c the first one got infected, I was there when the had her on clear liquids and she begged me just to sneek her in frappicinos from Starbucks, I was there when she could not even smell food b/c it made her vomit, I was there when she could not hold in her bowel movements, I was there for the early morning wake ups from the doctors and nurses (and janessa really did hate that she most), i was there when she began to get delerious and she would talk to noone (that I could see) in the room, I was there when it hurt to even touch a foot to the ground w/o her grimicing in pain, and I was there when they put her in ICU in the middle of the night and when she gave me that last bit of strength or fight that was left in her and went off on me b/c she didn't like the damn oxygen in her nose and I got stern w/ her and said i was gonna shove it up her nose if she took it out again but i told her how much i loved her and how pretty her blue eyes looked i remember them being so brillant and sparkly. A few hours later she died.
I miss her so very much I use to count the months down after she died I remember at six months I said to myself she has been dead longer than she even had the cancer. I remember the time when she was alive and sick and time just went by so slow, but after she died it has gone by so fast and I miss her so very much, but I have to keep telling myself that was God's plan right when he put her on this earth, and she is watching over me and is pretty and not sick anymore and one day I will be w/ her in heaven. I hope that in our day in time they find a cure to all cancers, and that is something else I need to vent on i guess... breast cancer is something that I greatly support, but there are other cancers out there!!! Gosh, I did not want to get on this trip b/c I get on it alot but Janessa was this great person that I looked up to as a big sister and my best friend and I miss her every day but it very, very slowly gets a tiny bit better everyday!!
6 comments:
I know this is really hard to talk about. Amanda is still really hard for me to talk about too. Thanks for sharing your story. I know it meant the world to her that you were there.
what a wonderful post you wrote for her, you are such a good friend and I'm sure she is looking down and smiling on you. I didn't even know about this!
I know this is hard for you. She was just as grateful to have you there as you are that she was there with you. I am sure she is definately looking over you at all times and you are still such a great friend to her and telling her story.
awww, thanks guys that is sweet.. some people don't like to talk about their friends or family dying or being sick and that is their right, but i can't stop talking about her b/c i don't want her to be forgotten... it makes me sad she will never hold her babies or she will never see mine (if i ever have any!!)
I just now read this and tears streamed down my face. Janessa was someone that I always looked up to in my younger, more wild years. When I was so young she made me feel so welcome wherever I was, if she was there. She used to take up for me, and we were friends. Then, she started working at Premiere and I seen her all the time. Then, the cancer came. When I finally found out that she had cancer and was at UAMS, I immediately went to visit. I went once with Stacie, and it broke my heart to see her. Then Hiedi and I went, and she had a hamburger there, but didn't want it. The last time I seen her I took her some Grape flavored Dasani water, bc that is what she told me she wanted. I took about ten bottles! I was living in LR then, so I told her that I would come and stay with her on that Tuesday. She asked me to call her mom, or sister, and see if they could come and stay with her bc she didn't want to stay alone. I called them, and they said they couldn't come. So I called her back to tell her and she was so upset. She then asked me to call her Aunt Fran, and I did. Her Aunt Fran drove all the way to LR at around 8 p.m. that night, and had to be back in Warren at 8 a.m. than next morning to be at work. What a fine lady she is! I then called you, Amber, to tell you that Aunt Fran was having to drive all the way up here for that short time, because no one else would. You were very upset. That Tuesday that I was coming to stay with her rolled around, and before I could get out of school, Janessa left us. I miss her so much. She touched my life in ways that she would have never known.
laken i remember that all too well.. everything that you said.. i had just got back into warren from staying the whole w/e w/ her and i was pumping gas at C-Way when you called me and told me that she wanted someone to stay w/ her. i remember that w/e was particularly hard on her that was when it hurt her to walk and she was able to control her bowel movements at all.. and i will never forget what she said to me next.. she said amber, i am not going to be able to do this for very much longer.. it was like she knew what was approaching.. Oh, it wasn't just me that stayed w/ her Mrs. Fran would stay alot w/ her too.. Tonia did some but it was hard for her since she had little children at home. Yes, janessa did like those flavored Dasani waters. before she got sick she was one to always be friendly to everyone unless someone had beef w/ one of her friends and she was the first one to jump on them for you.. she got my butt out of a lot of messes and potential fights!! and she was so generous w/ everything she had.. i still have some clothes that she gave me way back in the day.. i miss her so much too that my heart breaks everytime i think about it.. we were i felt like one entity, yin and yang,a strong Leo lion and a meek goat we completed each other.. and this is something we talked about a lot and now my whole is half and it is very hard to pick the pieces up and keep going...
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